In Which I Contemplate Yoga and Why It Might Not In Fact Be The Worst

I wrote this in January 2018 and found it the other day. Unfortunately nearly all of it is still true so here it is, pretty much unedited. For all of you who think yoga's not for you... I'm now one of those people and I think it's great and I have nothing but the deepest respect for those who practise it and are good at it and urgh I KNOW. Anyway, here's the post.

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I struggle with yoga. There’s something about it that just infuriates me. I don’t know if it’s my impatience with a form of exercise that’s just holding different positions for ages and paying uncomfortably close attention to your breathing, or my resentment that this is actually really hard and I can’t do it at all. It could be the smug righteousness of people who talk about their own yoga-induced spirituality and outstanding mindfulness, or the superiority and smoothly glowing thighs of the many indistinguishable thin white women who seem to run yoga’s collective social media account. It could be a general aversion to trying to copy the movements of someone in perfect physical condition and far more flexible than I could ever dream of being, who, when forced to keep their legs straight and reach for their toes, can get further than slightly above their own knees. Or it could be my pure rage that yoga can in fact be extremely fulfilling and satisfying and “make you feel good” or something. For whatever reason, I struggle.

Imagine my annoyance, then, when I’m forced to acknowledge what an extremely good idea it would be for me to do it. Along with many, or even most, people, I spend a lot of time feeling stressed. Intensely stressed, in fact. Some of this is due to external circumstances; a lot of it is thanks to the immense pressure I constantly pile on myself. It’s now reached the point where it’s having a noticeably adverse effect on my health and wellbeing: my heart rate is far too high, it takes me hours to get to sleep and when I do, my dreams are alarmingly vivid, and I’m often only a few harsh words or puppy video away from bursting into entirely unnecessary tears.

And I’m annoyed, because I know yoga is something that could help. So this week, when I woke up feeling gloomy and frustrated and stressed, I went on YouTube and, through gritted teeth, typed ‘morning yoga for beginners’ in the search bar. As if YouTube had been waiting for this very moment, it almost too eagerly brought up about ten thousand million videos. After trawling through a few by lycra-clad yoga goddesses that I took against for no reason, I found this one; it’s only ten minutes, it’s the usual blonde white woman who seemed no more offensive than the others, and it had the words ‘energising’, ‘wake up’ and ‘flow’ in the name. I liked the idea of it.

Fig. 1: Oh boy here we go

It may have been the contrast between her light, airy studio and activity-appropriate outfit, and me lying on the floor of my bedroom in PJs and a very lovely and soft but admittedly not glamorously streamlined dressing gown, but it took me a few minutes to get into it. After a bit though, and a few minutes of simple, non-threatening positions, my cynical inner monologue quietened down. A few minutes more, and I felt almost okay about being instructed on how to breathe by someone else. By the end of the Energising Wake Up Vinyasa Flow, I’d triumphantly shrugged off my dressing gown and was flowingly and confidently following her, move for move. I’d actually started to… enjoy it? Despite my shaky limbs (unused to such activity), my incompetence and my fury at my own inflexibility, I had a good time. By the end of the video, I was in such a bizarrely relaxed and joyous frame of mind that when the following quotation (see Fig. 2) appeared on the screen, shortly after her beaming smile and “Namaste”, I didn’t even have to suppress vomit:

Fig. 2: !!!!

I actually sort of laughed. A bit of a giggle. Oh, you think so? You think happiness looks gorgeous on me? Gosh! Thanks! That’s so nice!

This alone is testament to the power of a few short minutes of yoga.

I’m as angry as you are.

I only managed one lot of yoga this week, but I think it’s important not to rush these things. I don’t want to burn out, you know? I don’t want to become relaxed, mindful and flexible too quickly. But I think this week I’ll aim to increase my dosage to two mornings rather than one.

Every time I do any kind of exercise I have to force myself into it, not believing my own brain telling me that honestly, this will feel worth it afterwards, I promise, I promise! Trust me, won’t you! Often, I don’t trust me. But if I do manage to force myself through it, afterwards, every single time without fail, I will be zinging around the place, my internal monologue screaming with joy and goodwill, unable to believe just how incredibly amazing I feel!!! Exercise, eh!! Who’d have thought!! Why is no one talking about this!!!

The answer is, everyone who does exercise is talking about this, all the time. It really does make you feel good, god damn it. And unlike some types of exercise, yoga also calms, centres the mind, and allows you a break from your own madly racing thoughts.

I’m still furious about all this. But in a marginally more relaxed way than before.

Anyway, tune in in approximately six months for the full story of my spiritual journey from Yoga-Hating-Unhealth-Freak to Lycra-Goddess-of-Flexible-Inner-Peace-Joy. Namasteeeee.