Being a Burden: A How To Guide

I've conducted some scientific research recently. My methodology was as follows: I thought about the time I spent volunteering on the mental health helpline, and I thought about how many times people had said they didn't want to open up about their mental health to their friends or family, and I thought about what proportion of these people had given the reason, "because I don't want to be a burden." 

The results are in: it was A Lot. A lot of people said this. This leads to the conclusion: many of us are worried about being a burden! This is probably true of many areas, but talking about your mental health shit is a dead cert. It's heavy and difficult and people just don't want to lay it on their friends, their family, their loved ones, their colleagues, their acquaintances - anyone! They don't want to burden anyone. And sure, being a burden suuuucks! No one wants to do it! So a cool solution is to hold it in and don't talk about it. 

The difficult thing about someone not wanting to be a burden, or apologising for being one, is the grain of truth within it. Having been both Burdened and a Burden, I know this. Speaking as a Burdened: it is hard to hear people talk about distressing topics, and it's upsetting and it can make you feel hopeless and want to solve their problems and see no easy way out and worry and worry and worry. And then on top of this, the person telling you these things wants you to reassure them that they're not being a burden! Well. 

The problem is that to worry about being a burden is to entirely miss the point. There's a difference between being a burden and reaching out to someone who cares about you. It's not about causing other people pain by telling them your problems - it's about giving them the option to support you. 

It's not easy to open up, especially if you're used to being independent and doing things alone, and even more so if it's someone close to you whose opinion you value. But the only part you can control is what you do. The person might react badly or not be helpful, yes - but this is true of every interaction ever. It's not a reason not to do it. If the person is able, they will support you. If they're not, they won't. It's up to them to decide how much they can handle. 

A few months ago (? or was it weeks? what month is it), we were in the kitchen and I had been crying again, apropos of nothing but anxiety, which is not nothing. And after I'd calmed down a bit and reached the sniffling stage, I said to Marc, who as usual had been comforting and endlessly kind and patient and loving, "sorry for being such hard work". And he was like, "well...". And he clearly wanted to deny it. Unfortunately, he couldn't, as he is an inveterate truth teller and honest to a fault (seriously), and in his own words, lying makes him 'go all sweaty'. So instead, and much more tear-jerkingly, he said, "okay, yes, but it's worth it". 

And that's the thing, isn't it!! It may be hard work, but it can still be worth it, because if someone you love is struggling, you would rather be there for them than not. The fact is that the problem is there, and you can share it, or you can suffer alone. (And spoiler: suffering alone is usually worse, not just for you, but for the person you're worrying about burdening!)

Plus, honestly, this is high-level burden stuff. Most of the time, the person worrying about being a burden is absolutely nowhere near that. It's not being a burden to answer honestly if you've had a bad day and someone asks how you are. It's not being a burden to ask for advice or support from someone who cares about you. It's not being a burden to tell the truth about why you're cancelling on meeting up with them or you can't face a phone call right now.

So, speaking as a current Burden and a once and future Burdened: you just have to let go of this worry, sometimes. If the person you're telling is clearly unable to handle it, that's okay - leave them alone, acknowledge that they just can't at the moment, accept that it's not you, and look elsewhere for support. If you're not sure if they'll be able to handle it, just ask! "Can I talk to you about this?" They are free to say no. But often people say yes. Trust people to care about you, and trust people to take responsibility for themselves. It's not up to you to decide how much of a burden they are willing to carry.