How To Listen, or, Did you know it's Mental Health Awareness Week?

That's right, this week is Mental Health Awareness Week! Look at their website: the theme is kindness. It’s really nice that this exists, especially at the moment. I encourage you to dive in.

I didn’t know what I wanted to write about this week. Mental Health Awareness was a ready-made theme, but… I’m tired. It’s obvious that Mental Health Awareness Week is good, CLEARLY. It’s fab that we have it, and that we have World Mental Health Day (on 10 October). But I’m just… so aware already, you know? Thinking about mental health is crucially important and it’s also BORING and I do it ALL THE TIME. I’m sick of it!!!!

So I came into this feeling vaguely annoyed, and then I spent some time on the campaign’s website and felt guilty, because honestly they’re doing great work. Of course we should be focusing on kindness, the most important character trait anyone can have, and of course we should be trying to spread it. It’s reassuring that there are compassionate, diligent people working tirelessly on these issues to try and improve all our lives. Fling some money their way, ifyou can – they really, really deserve it.

I can’t add much to this conversation at the moment so instead, during this Awareness Week, I urge you to think about your own mental health, which realistically you’re likely already doing at the moment, and also think about how you can help other people, which hopefully you’re also doing but we could all do with a reminder, eh???

You can help people in many ways, obviously, and sometimes practical ones are the nicest. Do their boring household tasks for them, make their lunch, order that thing online they’ve been needing for ages but haven’t got round to. Etc. But you can also help people in emotional ways, especially if you’re physically distant at the moment. 

One of these ways is being a good listener. We're all having a hard time, and providing a space for people to talk openly is invaluable. It is!! Being a super cool fab listener isn't that easy to do, but although it comes naturally to some, that doesn't mean it's impossible for others. And it's definitely possible to learn how to be better. I'll tell ya how! For free! In quite a limited way for now because this is what the medium allows and I am Not An Expert but simply An Earnest Gal Trying Her Best!

The points below are based on what I've learnt at SANE from their (amazing) helpline training and also just from their ethos and spending time there. They're about how to talk to someone about their mental health, and how to be a good listener in general. Have a look at the SANE website if you fancy – there's a lot of good stuff on there, including their foundational principles, community, and how to get involved (for when times are more certain).

How To Listen

1. Don’t judge. I’ve put this first because I think it’s the most important. Lots of people believe that what they’re experiencing is the most dreadful, horrible, terrifying thing anyone has ever experienced, and that they are mad and scary for being like this or having these thoughts. And if they’ve never told anyone before, the only interpretation available is their own. Voicing it puts them in a position of extreme vulnerability – they have no idea how you will react. Being calm, non-judgemental and accepting can be revelatory. Ask, what does that feel like?, rather than saying, oh my god, or wow, or Christ!! Being calm and accepting creates an environment of safety that makes it easier to open up and be vulnerable. Basically: be calm, and don’t overreact.

2. Be compassionate. Just be kind. Very simple. Be nice! Don’t be a dick! Be as nice and patient and loving as you possibly, possibly can.

3. Put yourself in their position. How would you want someone to react if you told them that? What would you need if you felt like that? Do the ol’ empathy and understanding, even if you haven’t personally experienced the things they're talking about. Listen to what they’re saying, see past it to the feeling underneath, and reflect this back to them. For example: ‘I’m worried about getting the virus and dying and everyone I know dying’. How might you reply? Maybe: That sounds really scary. It sounds like you’re worrying about lots of different things. It sounds like you keep imagining the worst case scenario. It sounds overwhelming. The person is always free to reject your suggestion, but if it's correct, it can make them feel seen and understood, and less alone.

4. Don’t try to solve it for them. Sometimes it’s helpful to talk about what will make you feel better, but be careful about making suggestions. Pretty much everyone who’s ever experienced anxiety or depression, for example, will likely have been told to go for a walk, do some exercise, eat healthily, get some sleep, have a bath, have a cup of tea. These are all nice and great but sometimes you can do all of them and you still feel like shit! And moreover, it can feel like you’re brushing someone off with a desperate solution because their feelings are too uncomfortable for you. Sometimes you have to just sit with the feelings. (This is the biggest thing I’ve learnt from SANE!) If you can’t solve the problem, just sit with them and acknowledge that yes, this is how it is at the moment.

5. Hold onto hope. A tricksy one. Linked to the above: it’s important to sit with the feelings, even though it’s uncomfortable or painful, because they’re valid and sitting with them and experiencing them fully can be healing. But you also need to remember that you won’t feel like this forever – your thoughts can change and feelings are transitory and this too shall pass. Careful though. Personally, I love being told ‘it will be okay’ or ‘everything will be okay’. I’m like, oh right. Excellent! Phew. That’s a relief. Can I have that in writing? However, some people do not enjoy it, so tread lightly. But try and hold onto hope that things can and will get better.