Attempt 3: Furloughing Hard or Hardly Furloughing?

There’s an interesting tension between the wish to do something and the wish to do nothing.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how appealing it is, when you’re busy and stressed, to dream of a time when you have nothing to do. Thinking about finally putting your feet up, watching endless TV or films, the trashy kind you’ve seen before, playing computer games, lying around. I think lying around is the main thing, really. It’s the main component part to chilling. But… is the dreaming about it nicer than the doing it?

I have a guilty secret, which is that I was glad to be put on furlough. I felt close to burning out in January and February, and I wanted to do something about it but didn’t. I’d just started a new job and was worried about asking to take time off and I didn’t know if I’d have the confidence. And then I was furloughed, and I was handed the time and space I needed to rest and think and recover.

Or this is how it might have felt, if it hadn’t been prompted by a pandemic with far-reaching and terrifying consequences that has resulted in the worst mental health time of my young life! Hey-ohhh! Psych!!

A bit dramatic, sorry. I don’t mean this as a complaint, just a statement. And (disclaimer) it hasn’t been that bad, in comparison to many, many, many people. Really not that bad at all! But it was bad for me.

It’s difficult to distinguish between the poor mental health I was already experiencing before All This, and the poor mental health as a result of All This. I found myself trying to explain it to my CBT practitioner over the phone. She works for Talk Changes, a mental health service based in Hackney which has had a big and predictable rise in demand in recent weeks. “I’m anxious because of the pandemic, sure,”, I said, “but like… I was also anxious… before it was cool??” (She was interested to hear that yes, anxiety is cool now! Definitely something that’s both true and good to think!)

To be clear: it’s not more valid to have been anxious pre-Covid than it is to be anxious as a result of Covid. They’re both valid and they’re both bad, and you can and should seek help for dealing with either or both, if you want to.

But as is the case for many or most of us, it’s certainly true that for me it’s been worse as a result of the pandemic, and it’s felt like a full-time job trying to feel okay. Therefore, I thought being on furlough and having ‘nothing to do’ would be good for my wellbeing – it would give me time to focus on feeling better, as well as making time for fun and hobbies. Amazing. So much fun. You can do whatever you want!

Obviously this hasn’t happened. For one, when you have no responsibilities and nothing to do it’s much harder to get interested in things. I remember noticing this at school and university: when you know you should be doing homework or studying, you can think of a thousand activities that would be delightful and you want to do right now. When you know you have an unlimited stretch of empty time to fill, it can be a struggle to think of anything, and binging The Office just doesn’t seem so appealing anymore.

Secondly, I’m resentful that my anxiety has taken away the ability to enjoy this freedom. In another time, having this space to relax would be wonderful, ideal, and necessary and turn me into a mindful, zen human on an astounding new level of spirituality and calm. But it hasn’t been like that (obviously!!!). This is because I was applying previous expectations to this new situation. I don’t think any of us on furlough ever imagined a scenario where we’d have an unknown amount of time off that’s outside our control, and complete uncertainty as to when or if we’ll return to work, and added stress and anxiety every time we leave the house, making other activities unfeasible too. So things are different!

And added to this is The Guilt, as usual. You’re so lucky, you’re so privileged; do you know how rare it is to have nothing to do? You don’t have to worry about the roof over your head or putting food on the table. You’re literally being paid to do nothing. What!! When is this going to happen ever again in your life? Buck up!!!!!

So it turns out, for the moment, the reality of having nothing to do and no responsibilities isn’t as fun as the idea of it.

I’ve found it helpful to simulate a sense of purpose. Make a plan for every day and follow the plan, not how you feel. Wake up feeling low? Trick yourself into feeling better by achieving things on your list, even the things are tiny! It sometimes works!

It’s ironic that some of the coping mechanisms I’ve been using for this fall under the misleading guise of wholesome activities you might do if you were a high-functioning, creative person who Just Loves To Craft. A few people have told me they’re impressed by my drive and determination, as I crochet and knit and colour in and bake. Accepting compliments like this feels incredibly disingenuous and dishonest. I don’t want it to appear that I’m thriving under lockdown just because I’m doing hobbies that involve yarn and I’ve made a lot of cookies. Often, I’m doing the hobbies because doing nothing productive makes me stressed, rather than because I’m soooOooo creative and driven.

Is it not much more impressive to be comfortable and happy with yourself even when you’re not constantly doing things? To allow yourself to just be, quietly? Not producing things, like a good little capitalist drone, but appreciating the sensation of existing for its own sake, and knowing that that is good enough?

Thus the question: am I knitting because I love The Man and exploiting the working classes for profit, or am I knitting because I like knitting? Sometimes I just don’t know! And maybe we shouldn’t worry about it right now. We have enough going on.

So what’s the take home message? Well, I thought furlough would be great because it would give me time to feel better, and that complaining about furlough (or people considering it to be a bad thing) was silly. Nope! Wanting a sense of purpose is a normal human thing, and it’s not surprising that things get weird when you don’t have one. But having a structure makes things easier.

And honestly, I’m still glad to be on furlough. Sometimes I get glimpses of what it would be like not being so anxious, and I get to really enjoy all the non-work activities I now have so much time for. It’s not all bad. Plus, as I’ve said, it’s giving me time to reframe how I define my sense of self and ponder valuable life lessons, like ‘you don’t have to be productive to be worthy of happiness’, and ‘I definitely do really like knitting. I think’.