Attempt 2: Being Grateful For Stuff Even Though It Sucks

Hello again. Here we are still in lockdown! Isn’t it interesting that in the UK we seem to refer to it as lockdown, while other countries are calling it quarantine? Right?! Lockdown rather than quarantine! What’s that about!

I know this is using quite a loose definition of the word ‘interesting’. But I thought it was, or at least a tiny bit noteworthy, and on balance, I think that’s partly as a result of one of the many annoying new habits I’ve picked up recently. This habit is one I like to call ‘being furiously observant all of the time’, and it leads me on to the subject of this post, which is Mindfulness and Gratitude Oh My God.

In this new observant state, I notice so many things. I see specks of dust on the bedside table. I hear the clatter of a mug onto a table. The vibration of a phone is excessively loud. I can hear birds singing, even though there’s nowhere for them to live near this flat so I don’t know where they can be. The tiled floor feels smooth and hard and the wooden floor feels softer. I notice the weather and the temperature and state of the kitchen counters and how loud music is. I’m hypervigilant about the smallest change in the state of my body and anyone’s body. I note things.

Part of this is fuelled by pandemic panic, obviously. We’ve all been there. It’s very unfortunate for everyone, and particularly for those of us with health anxiety, that this pandemic is a virus which in many people causes symptoms that could also be caused by numerous common and normal illnesses such as the common cold or hay fever, and also ironically can also literally be caused by anxiety. Great!! But I don’t want to talk about pandemic panic too much. You can go absolutely anywhere/everywhere else to read about that stuff, and I can’t handle it, so I’ll stop here.

The other and better part of all this noting and observing, though, relates to the very trying endeavour of being mindful and therefore grateful. Pay attention!, we’re told. The more you notice things and observe how they make you feel, the more likely you are to remember to feel gratitude for them. And this is important! It’s important to feel grateful, because it helps us put our lives into perspective and it reminds us of the things we take for granted and it helps return our focus to the positives that we’ve become accustomed to and don’t notice, rather than the negatives that annoy or upset us.

I hate this gratitude business because a) sometimes I just want to feel sorry for myself and whine and feel sad, and b) putting my problems in perspective is annoying because they are so tiny in comparison to most, and c) it’s very helpful and it works.

I know. I’m furious. This is just like the time I resentfully tried yoga and learnt that it actually is really great and those smug yoga people were RIGHT and now I do it every day, URGH.

But back to gratitude: if you haven’t tried it, you should, and by ‘should’ I mean ‘can if you want to because it you might find it helpful but no pressure, we’re all just trying to get by at the moment but honestly this might help so seriously think about it’.

Here’s how: the trick with gratitude is that you have to notice things that are good, and be glad about them. It is not that you have to refuse to allow yourself to feel any negativity because ‘other people have it worse so you should be grateful’. This is a stupid thing to think, and I feel qualified to say that because I think it all the time and can confirm that it’s stupid. If you follow it to its logical conclusion, it means that only the person who is worst off in the world is allowed to feel bad. Stupid! (If you think this, I’m not calling you stupid. It’s the thought that’s stupid. You’re a delight and you’re just doing your best. But you can stop having that thought any time, because it’s unhelpful and stupid.)

You’re allowed to feel bad even if other people have it worse than you. Lots of things can be bad at once! And lots of things can be good at once. It’s not true that you could only feel happy if you were better off than literally everyone else, so the reverse doesn’t apply either.

The trick is being specific to a level that feels ridiculous. When things seem bleak, you might have to drill down to a microscopic level to find things that feel okay, but they will be there and you will be able to find them. Or if the microscopic level doesn’t work for you, you can go macro: start with truly gigantic, so-big-they’re-not-worth-mentioning things that you don’t even notice usually.

Yes, I feel sad that I can’t see my family and I miss them, I might think at any moment of the day, but I’m grateful that I can open both of my eyes properly and can see things in general. (Last year I had an eyelid infection that made my eye swell up to approximately the size of a Shire horse and I couldn’t see out of it for days. It was terrible! I hated it! I swore I’d never again take for granted being able to point my face at a mirror and be able to see my right eye peering back at me.)

Yes, I can’t go outside much, but I’m grateful that I can move around and stand and walk without pain, apart from the self-inflicted pain of going too hard in a virtual fitness class because I wanted the instructor to think I’m tougher than I am and I do this every time and I never learn.

Yes, I don’t have a garden or a balcony and I miss fresh air, but I’m grateful that the sky is blue or grey or white or other normal colours that the sky should be, and not apocalypse red or full of terrifying monsters signalling the end of days. (They don’t have to be rational things necessarily, although it might be better if they are. Dunno, I’m not an expert.)

Or on a more micro level – yes I can’t sleep and I’ve been lying here for hours catastrophising, I might think in the dead of night, but I’m grateful these sheets are soft and my feet are warm, which is unusual for me. Yes everything is terrifying, but I’m grateful I chose this beautiful blue wool for my crochet blanket, because every time I look at it I’ll notice how nice it is. I’m grateful we have chocolate biscuits in the house. I’m grateful this hand cream isn’t one of those sticky ones that lingers on your skin for hours and leaves a greasy sheen on everything you touch. I’m grateful for the six-second video I saw about eight years ago of a fat chihuahua trying to get up some steps and failing. I’m grateful for the Harry Potter books and Stephen Fry reading them to me, so I feel like I’ve having a comforting mind-bath apart from Voldemort’s there sometimes.

Basically, once you’ve mastered feeling grateful for the tiny, twee things that make you sound like bougie London literary woman (I’m grateful for my harp; I’m grateful for my bidet) you can crack on with the big stuff like life, breathing, safety, a roof over your head, people, and so on. You get the gist.

All this is very annoying when you feel too awful to do anything and you can’t get off the sofa. I hear ya! I’ve been there. It’s easy to talk about feeling grateful when your rational brain has kicked in and you’ve done all the things you need to do to feel like a functional human (eat, wash, be rested, have a sense of purpose). The trouble comes when you haven’t done those things, because you just can’t right now.

And I suppose that’s where the observing, which in this context is another word for mindfulness, comes in again. Noting how you feel, but not being bogged down in it. Thinking, oh right – I’m feeling bleak and despondent today. Interesting. I feel like I don’t want to do anything and everything is terrible. Okay. I’m worrying excessively about things that are outside of my control. Gotcha. Noticing it means you’re already a step removed, which can make it easier to take it less seriously and feel more in control.

This approach isn’t new, of course – it’s an ancient technique and more to the point, it’s everywhere at the moment. Mindfulness is so fashionable that I see at least five Instagram adverts a day for apps and things like Headspace and Calm and Tell Anxiety To Fuck Off Once And For All By Following These Six Easy Steps.

So you know this already, of course – and if you’re using it, I hope it’s working for you. It’s working okay for me. Not every day and not all the time, and if you just want to feel angry and sad sometimes then that’s okay too. But once I’ve had enough of that for a bit, I try and give this a go. It can help ground you in the present if you’re having a panic attack, or it can help you decide what you need to do next if you don’t know why you feel bad (check: am I hungry? Am I thirsty? Am I too cold or too hot? Is there anything nice to look at in my surroundings? When did I last crochet?) and when things are good or even just neutral, it can help you find more joy in them.

Plus it’s always nice to know that you’re bang on trend. (Headpsace is a very good app; haven’t tried Calm. Let me know if it’s any good.)