Attempt 1: Hello again and also Mental Health Am I Right??!

Hi friends. It’s me, Eleanor.

Long-term fans of me will remember this blog from my third year of university. That’s right! I spent a year abroad as an English Language Assistant in Chemnitz, Germany, and I kept a blog every week, and I’ve revisited it today for the first time in five (5) years.[1]

And now here we are on 22^nd April 2020, in London, England, the world. By my count, this is week 5 of enforced working from home, and about a month since lockdown officially started. Hope things are going well!!!!

I was moved to sit down and write this today for a couple of reasons. I will lay them out for you here:

Number One: As of yesterday, I am on furlough and I don’t have any work to do apart from domestic labour such as keeping the flat clean and tidy, which because of Feminist Reasons I’m not fucking doing, even though it would actually make sense for me to do it because my sweet boyfriend is still working full-time/breadwinning as we speak. (“I’m not your little woman!!!”, I scream at him, as I sit on the sofa eating chocolate and frantically crocheting. “I didn’t ask you to be and that’s not a thing!”, he replies in a calm and gentle voice, as though soothing a skittish horse who keeps lashing out for no reason and talking darkly about ‘yes all men’.)

Number Two: I’ve been off Facebook and Twitter and all news sites since this all began. I’ve isolated myself from the world and all its horrifying updates! The only social media I use are Instagram, where I post numerous stories about my hobbies and try and get people to talk to me, and Strava, which I’ve recently discovered as a nice way to be intensely competitive with myself and others about how fast I can run a 5K.

But the feeling of social contact from both of these is lovely, and I'd like more of it. I love talking to people about baking and crafting and their cute dogs and what they did to help them get through the day. So I wanted to do this, with the vague idea that if I start screaming into the void, it might just scream back. That’s what’s happened with Instagram, where I’ve been interacting with more people than usual and loving every second, and I hope this might encourage it too. Also, anything that helps us get through this shitshow of a time is a Hell Yeah from me!!!

Number Three: Today was a horrible day and I wanted to write about it.

We’re encouraged to talk about mental health, in a way that’s boring and patronising and necessary, and I love encouraging other people to talk. I volunteered on a mental health helpline for a year for exactly this reason! Talking about your feelings is healing and important and we should all do it. However, I hate it and I can’t talk about my own mental health without immediately crying. Cool!

Whenever I think about putting anything online about it, my brain starts shouting at me in the voices of the bullies from school. “No one cares! Stop attention seeking! Why are you such a loser! Your hair is too curly and you’re so annoying!”

But be that as it may – it doesn’t matter. As a grown up, I now understand that none of these comments matter at all. It’s not true that no one cares – when people post personal things on social media, lots of people care, and even if that weren’t true, I always care. It makes me feel closer to the person and sympathetic, and impressed by their bravery in making themselves vulnerable. I never think they’re attention seeking or annoying, and also I don’t think it’s possible for hair to be too curly.

So here we are. I’m giving it a go, lads. Gonna write about what's UP and how things are GOING and maybe give some TIPS or maybe NOT but let's see what happens. 

But not today, obviously – that’s enough for today. (Something I remember learning and ignoring in my previous life as a blogger is that really long posts are in fact not what people want to read!) So I’ll end it here for now, but before we finish Attempt 1, which could also have been called 'I'm Back, Just Trying It Out, Hope That's Okay', a quick note on the format…

I'm posting on the same blog as before because I thought it would be nice to have some continuity with the only other blog I’ve ever done. And it might also be sweet to see how things have changed in those years and what’s stayed the same, if I can muster the bravery to go back and read any of it. Please be gentle, if you do read any earlier posts – I was young and foolish. Or better still, don’t bother reading any!! Just wait for the new ones I’m going to post! I’m so much older and wiser now. I know loads more stuff.

I'll also change the name of the blog soon. Don't worry.

---

[1] FIVE YEARS!!!!!!