Panic! At The Drop of a Hat

I wrote the below post on 6 August, which is now over a month ago! September already, eh. I didn't post it at the time for superstitious reasons and because I was in the thick of it and everything was all way too much. But I'm posting now, for non-superstitious and full-disclosure reasons - it's not by any means a fun post, and writing it didn't feel as though it helped me at the time. But I like the intention behind it, and maybe it did help after all, because I do feel differently now.


And for anyone worried: Marc was fine, and he didn't get ill. People are often fine! Not always, but often. That's the lesson I'm slowly trying to learn.

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It's about 2 o'clock in the afternoon and it’s been approximately one hour since Marc said he thought maybe he wasn't well. In that time, I’ve cried for about ten minutes, panicked, and done a bit more work. Marc is now watching a YouTube video. Nothing much has changed.


It’s not normal, when your partner tells you they’re not feeling well, to have a full-blown panic response: arms and legs shaking, stomach immediately upset, wanting to cry and not stop. Unable to focus, unable to think about anything else - anxiety central. This isn’t normal, and it’s not normal for me, and it’s also not healthy or helpful. Things might be different in this time of Covid, yes. But they shouldn't have to be.


I’m once again buying into the lie that by going through every single worst case scenario, I am guarding against them. A kind of superstition, that if I imagine it properly in enough detail, and how I would react, and what I might do, then it won’t happen. But… This is not true! Sorry! That’s not how it works! 


There are some things - lots of things - that are outside of our control. Trying to control them leads to misery and in my case, panic. It’s just not helpful!


I can’t control how well Marc is feeling, or how he will react or cope, or what will happen next. I can control:

  • Whether I respond with panic and crying, and therefore whether he then has to look after me as well

  • How much energy I dedicate to worrying about him, and how much energy I dedicate to doing things that will be actually helpful: getting on with my work, keeping the flat tidy, passing the time doing activities that don’t include thinking about him dying or me dying or my family or anyone I know

  • My own thoughts about this, and whether I choose to disrupt them, stop the bad ones in their tracks, or whether I choose to entertain them and allow the parade of worst case scenarios to whirl around my head in an unceasing dance of absolute shit

  • How much time I spend making the best of things instead


So there we have it. Will this help me deal with it? I don’t know. I know with my brain that all these things are true. Currently I’m in the moment and I don’t believe they are. But maybe I will at some point.

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