Say well done, just say it, go on

It’s so important to tell people when you think their stuff is cool. That's what this post is about. Because of who I am as a person, apparently, when I was thinking about this concept I framed it in the context of death.

It seems to be a constant of funerals, or at least the ones you see in media, or the imagined funerals that I go to in my head (it's super fun in here!), that people have things they wish they’d said to the person who's died. It's to be expected, maybe. And in these cases, it never seems to be things like, I wish I told them how annoying I found their style of washing up, or I wish they'd known how much I hated it when they left their shit all over the house and didn't tidy it away. It's usually more along the lines of I loved you in this and this and this way.

I know this sounds bleak, but bear with me. Think instead of the pure peace to be found for someone who lived on purpose and knew exactly how loved they were. When they die, there’s no complexity to the grief for those left behind — it just hurts, a pure sort of pain. It’s not mixed up with regret or anger or resentment. You just miss them because things were better when they were there, but you at least know that when they were here, you loved them and they knew it.

As I write this, I am thinking affectionately of Dobby — our dear departed chihuahua, much missed. He died a year ago and he was so fucking fantastic. It’s easier when pets die, obviously, not just because they’re pets not humans but because the grief is so simple. It was better when they were here. But we loved him and he knew it, and I'm grateful. 

I can see why you would think this is a morbid entry to what I’m trying to say, and maybe it is. But I don’t think it has to be morbid and I don’t think death has to be feared as long as we’ve lived well. And part of living well is telling people how you feel about them and being told, so that we all know how loved we are. 

I made a resolution at New Year 2019 to tell people when I liked their stuff. I was thinking mainly of authors and I didn’t keep it very well. I wrote to Philip Pullman and to Madeline Miller, and possibly also to Marian Keyes and a couple of other people. This was good. But it was also low stakes — you don’t necessarily expect them to reply and you’re not really making yourself vulnerable because they get this all the time. 

The real trick and the exciting challenge is to tell people closer to you. This is the truly important part. The stakes are higher but the rewards are exponentially bigger. I wrote to Madeline Miller because I loved Circe and thought it was a sensational and wonderful piece of writing. (Please read it, and if you do, tell me and we can talk about it.) There were no bad outcomes for me, in writing to Madeline Miller — the worst case is she doesn't reply, the best case is she replies saying thanks. The spectrum of possibility is slim.

You should still do it though, because a) as we've established, it's important to tell people when you like their stuff, and b) you don't know what difference it'll make to them. You may think that you, a lowly serf with a social media account, shouldn't bother writing to a Famous Person because why would they care what you think? However, this is false and Not The Point. Because it's not that they care what you think in the sense that they require your approval. You're not lending validation to their work and letting them know you, as the objective arbiter of good taste, have decreed their book as Good. You're just saying: I read your work and I loved it and it made a difference to me, and thank you for making it.

So, firstly: tell people in the public eye whose work you enjoy that you love it. Reply to their Instagram stories. Leave a comment. Take up their social media mentions with positive messages, understanding that people are far more likely to remember and be affected by hateful words than words of love, and remembering that lots of people only bother to get in touch when they don't like something. Try and combat this by doing the opposite. Send them an email, if they're a Famous and you want to keep things profesh.

But also, and more meaningfully: tell the people you actually know that you appreciate them. Tell your reserved friend that you love their company and you feel true joy in their presence! Tell someone from uni you hardly know but still follow on Instagram that you enjoy their book blog! Tell that person you knew at school but now don’t speak to that you value their bravery in talking openly about their mental health! Start small if you want — like their stuff on social media, and then comment on it, and then message them. Go all in and send a message right away. Tell them in person if you see them in person. Just leave an emoji, if you like. The only wrong way to do it is not doing it at all. Compliment them on their house plants. Tell them their dog is cute. Let them know you find their new hairstyle compellingly avant garde. Say well done for going for a run.

The key is that there’s no expectation with any of these. You’re not hitting on someone, you’re not asking for more from them, you’re not trying to influence their behaviour at all. You’re just saying, hey, I appreciate what you do. I see the shit you get up to, and I like it. 

And, CRUCIALLY: for fucks sake, don't worry about coming across as weird. This isn't about you. If someone sent you a message or left a comment on something you'd done saying 'Nice' or 'This is cool', you wouldn't be like, ummmm what a weirdo, Jesus, why can't they chill out and fuck off!!! You'd probably just be like, aw thanks. 'Preciate it. So remember that, and acknowledge that you're worried about coming off as a weirdo, and then just let that feeling go. As long as you're not being sexual or inappropriate, you're good. (That's a post for another day.)

Finally, to the people who've told me they've read this blog and they like it, for whatever reason — you probably don't know how much joy this brings me, because it's hard to portray in a normal way that won't embarrass us both. But it makes me feel seen, and it makes the fear about posting things online feel more than worth it. So thank you! I'll see you on another platform, where I'll be leaving heart eyes emojis under every post I can find.