Progress
It's hard to write something without a satisfying narrative. For a proper story, you want a beginning, a middle and an end. For example: first I felt okay. Then I felt terrible for a while. But then, after lots of trials and tribulations, by the end I felt better. This is what stories should look like.
The trouble is, real life usually doesn't have a satisfying narrative. This is why I stand by my theory that films based on real events are often in some way disappointing. Consider the Sound of Music. It'll surprise no one to hear that we watched it numerous times when I was growing up, and it was a formative part of my childhood. But, there was an issue. The happy ever after wedding scene was, for some reason, in the middle of the film! This must have been some sort of error. Instead of finishing there, the film continued with some awkward, unnecessary singing of Edelweiss again, the family singing in front of a gigantic crowd for literally ages, and lots terrifying creeping about in a dark churchyard. These were all fodder for the fast forward button.*
Similarly, the Greatest Showman. Did you see it? I did, once. As I recall, the first half, where they put the Greatest Show together, should have been the main bit -- there was plenty of scope for trials and tribulations, and it could have ended in a glorious show, all of them together, you know the drill. Instead, that came halfway through, was very understated, and was followed by some nonsense that I can't even remember with Hugh Jackman being in some way bad and then possibly finding redemption with his oddly patient wife. Unsatisfying! When I heard it was based on a true story, I thought, of course. That'll be it.
This is why real life mental health recovery stuff is so annoying and shit. People usually only get to talk about their stuff once they've come out the other side. The classic and very satisfying pitch for a self help book or article is: person who thought they were okay has a terrible time, then finds a way to cope and writes about it so other people can use that way too. It's a winner -- we love to see it.
But it's much harder to see stories that aren't like that. Often they appear somewhere in the self help book -- the journey wasn't as simple as you thought; of course, there are bumps along the way. But crucially, the book finishes with a positive message, or at least with the person reflecting on their experience from a distance. You don't finish it with them in the midst of their depression or anxiety, still desperately trying to find a way through.
There's not an easy way round this. It's problematic for someone to document their struggles in real time. It's hard for the person themselves to maintain boundaries and to be so vulnerable while live on the internet, and it's hard for the audience to engage without feeling like you're ogling from a distance, treating them like entertainment.
This love of narrative is also difficult when you're not doing well. It's hard to sit with something and let it be shit without knowing how it's going to end. You want to be out the other side. A friend of mine told me the other day that recently, she'd been thinking how nice it would be if she could just be harmlessly knocked out for a bit -- just wake up in a couple of weeks, having had some time off. I agreed, and we laughed together. That would be great! Then we were like, wait. This isn't how I would feel normally, is it? This isn't how you would feel if you were having a good time.
It's not normal to want to skip out on your life -- or rather, it's not a sign of mental wellbeing and happiness.
But it's funny to imagine, because when I frame it like this, it makes perfect sense. In a couple of weeks, I'll look back at how I feel today, and I'll feel differently. I might not feel better; I might feel worse. But it'll be different, because two weeks' worth of things will have happened since then. I know this because I'm looking back now at how I felt a week ago and a month ago.
I'm frustrated because a week ago I was doing really well. I wasn't desperately anxious. I was even happy some of the time. I was keeping busy. I was connecting with my friends. A month ago, I was doing worse; the month before that, I was doing even worse. So things were looking up.
But now the linear trend of my progress has been broken. The line on the graph, which was steadily rising, has dipped again, and it feels as though I'm back to where it was before.
So today's narrative is unsatisfying. But I think at times like this, it's important to remember that it's difficult to see things clearly when you're in the midst of them. You don't know how much longer it will be until things improve -- it could be a week, a day, an hour, five minutes. Maybe you didn't realise how bad things were until you were out the other side, and looking back, you might not be able to believe that you coped. But you did cope.
Feelings are transitory and they can change in an instant. How you feel now won't be how you feel forever. So if you're not feeling good, try to remember that. And remember to hang in there and keep trying until you feel better. The world feels scarier to me than ever, and I haven't done anything today except watch New Girl and crochet and do yoga while crying. But I'll try again tomorrow.
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*I'll admit that the escape over the mountains is a notable exception. That was very satisfying.
The trouble is, real life usually doesn't have a satisfying narrative. This is why I stand by my theory that films based on real events are often in some way disappointing. Consider the Sound of Music. It'll surprise no one to hear that we watched it numerous times when I was growing up, and it was a formative part of my childhood. But, there was an issue. The happy ever after wedding scene was, for some reason, in the middle of the film! This must have been some sort of error. Instead of finishing there, the film continued with some awkward, unnecessary singing of Edelweiss again, the family singing in front of a gigantic crowd for literally ages, and lots terrifying creeping about in a dark churchyard. These were all fodder for the fast forward button.*
Similarly, the Greatest Showman. Did you see it? I did, once. As I recall, the first half, where they put the Greatest Show together, should have been the main bit -- there was plenty of scope for trials and tribulations, and it could have ended in a glorious show, all of them together, you know the drill. Instead, that came halfway through, was very understated, and was followed by some nonsense that I can't even remember with Hugh Jackman being in some way bad and then possibly finding redemption with his oddly patient wife. Unsatisfying! When I heard it was based on a true story, I thought, of course. That'll be it.
This is why real life mental health recovery stuff is so annoying and shit. People usually only get to talk about their stuff once they've come out the other side. The classic and very satisfying pitch for a self help book or article is: person who thought they were okay has a terrible time, then finds a way to cope and writes about it so other people can use that way too. It's a winner -- we love to see it.
But it's much harder to see stories that aren't like that. Often they appear somewhere in the self help book -- the journey wasn't as simple as you thought; of course, there are bumps along the way. But crucially, the book finishes with a positive message, or at least with the person reflecting on their experience from a distance. You don't finish it with them in the midst of their depression or anxiety, still desperately trying to find a way through.
There's not an easy way round this. It's problematic for someone to document their struggles in real time. It's hard for the person themselves to maintain boundaries and to be so vulnerable while live on the internet, and it's hard for the audience to engage without feeling like you're ogling from a distance, treating them like entertainment.
This love of narrative is also difficult when you're not doing well. It's hard to sit with something and let it be shit without knowing how it's going to end. You want to be out the other side. A friend of mine told me the other day that recently, she'd been thinking how nice it would be if she could just be harmlessly knocked out for a bit -- just wake up in a couple of weeks, having had some time off. I agreed, and we laughed together. That would be great! Then we were like, wait. This isn't how I would feel normally, is it? This isn't how you would feel if you were having a good time.
It's not normal to want to skip out on your life -- or rather, it's not a sign of mental wellbeing and happiness.
But it's funny to imagine, because when I frame it like this, it makes perfect sense. In a couple of weeks, I'll look back at how I feel today, and I'll feel differently. I might not feel better; I might feel worse. But it'll be different, because two weeks' worth of things will have happened since then. I know this because I'm looking back now at how I felt a week ago and a month ago.
I'm frustrated because a week ago I was doing really well. I wasn't desperately anxious. I was even happy some of the time. I was keeping busy. I was connecting with my friends. A month ago, I was doing worse; the month before that, I was doing even worse. So things were looking up.
But now the linear trend of my progress has been broken. The line on the graph, which was steadily rising, has dipped again, and it feels as though I'm back to where it was before.
So today's narrative is unsatisfying. But I think at times like this, it's important to remember that it's difficult to see things clearly when you're in the midst of them. You don't know how much longer it will be until things improve -- it could be a week, a day, an hour, five minutes. Maybe you didn't realise how bad things were until you were out the other side, and looking back, you might not be able to believe that you coped. But you did cope.
Feelings are transitory and they can change in an instant. How you feel now won't be how you feel forever. So if you're not feeling good, try to remember that. And remember to hang in there and keep trying until you feel better. The world feels scarier to me than ever, and I haven't done anything today except watch New Girl and crochet and do yoga while crying. But I'll try again tomorrow.
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*I'll admit that the escape over the mountains is a notable exception. That was very satisfying.
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